Heike: Her job as an IT specialist was making her sick

Diagnosis: Depression. After her nervous breakdown Heike’s doctor pulled the emergency brake. The IT job was making her sick. This was the start of her journey from an IT specialist to a professional clown.

When did you realize that you couldn’t work anymore?

It was a slow process. A colleague was diagnosed with cancer. I was the only person who was still in touch with him after he had left the company. Cancer is often a taboo subject like burnout or depression too, but I understand when people can’t deal with it. After a while my colleague came back to work, but then died unexpectedly. It’s important to say that the company didn’t treat him very well. So in a way the company is also responsible for what has happened.

One year after my friend had died, I was constantly catching a cold. Or couldn’t sleep anymore. Looking back today I´d say these symptoms were psychosomatic. At some point I was so stressed out that I couldn’t make phone calls at work anymore. I had panic attacks. One day I was closing tabs all day long. I felt paralyzed. Finally, I realized: I can’t go to work anymore.

But then after a while Heike thought she had to go back to the very same job…

Back at work: How did you feel?

Where did you get help?

Were there signs that your job was making you sick?

One moment I remember very well: I was joining a shamanic walk. We were walking through a field and I was talking about the difficult situation in the office. On the ground there was a feather lying. The tour guide picked it up, handed it over to me and said: “Heike, this feather is for you. Why are you still working in that job, why don’t you quit?” I still get goosebumps when I talk about it.

This moment had such an impact on my life. My advice: Try new things. Things which you usually wouldn’t do. Ask yourself: What’s important to me? When I had my nervous breakdown I had no idea how I should move on. My compass was missing. Today I see so many opportunities. But when you are depressed, it’s all too much. It was a long process but  today I know what I need and what’s good for me.

What’s your job now and how do you feel about it?

Your advice for someone who’s feeling stuck?

When did you feel ready to talk about your depression?

It’s hard to say. I felt embarrassed about what happened. A depression is a disease, but I wasn’t able to accept it. I was saying to myself: “Heike, you are just lazy and lethargic, you have to move on!” I simply wasn’t ready. Now I am. My new job as a clown helped me a lot to understand what happened. And I can talk about depression – like here in this interview.

What books inspired you?

“Ihr Pferd ist tot – Steigen Sie ab. Wie Sie sich die innere Freiheit nehmen, beruflich umzusatteln” (in German) Heike: “I highly recommend this book. However, my advice: Don’t read it if you are burned out already”.

How great is this? Look at Heike’s Instagram account as a Clown.

Heike, thank you for sharing this very personal story. We are proud of you! Keep on making people laugh! 🙂